


All This Time

by ChElFi



Series: The Shape of Us [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Captain Hill - Freeform, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 08:45:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1682159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a gaping hole between what Steve knows about Maria and what is really inside Maria's head. It was into this hole their relationship fell when he made the mistake of proposing. It will take a lot to drag it back out, and Steve will have to learn more about Maria than anyone else has ever known. That might cause more pain than Steve knows what to do with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Uninvited](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1660415) by [ChElFi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi). 
  * Inspired by [Uninvited](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1660415) by [ChElFi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi). 



> This is a cross-post from FFN. Again, hoping to get further feedback. Story is from Steve's POV. Takes place about 2 years post-Avengers, so, obviously, A/U. Think that's about it. Please R&R. Thanks.

"If you don't do something about that girlfriend of yours."

"Ex-girlfriend," Steve interrupted Stark's tirade and his chest tightened at what he knew Tony had intentionally forced him today.

"She is completely out of line," the billionaire went on, throwing his Ironman helmet into the corner of their temporary equipment room aboard the Hellicarrier.

Steve glanced toward Clint and Natasha with a pleading look to help him defend Maria Hill, but they both turned away. Steve sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He could usually get one of them to help him stand up for their superior.

"See," Tony gestured wildly at the pair of assassins. "Even they think she's gone too far this time."

"We don't have all the facts, Stark," Steve began, but was interrupted with the return of Dr. Banner, in replacement clothing after hulking-out during the mission.

"We have enough to know that her pulling us out when she did caused the deaths of possibly hundreds of innocent civilians," the normally demure doctor said, more than a little anger in his voice.

Four pairs of eyes stared hard at the super soldier and Steve knew he had no choice.

"Fine," he sighed, resigned now to his fate, and walked with heavy feet from the room.

He didn't want to do this. Not only because he didn't want to talk to Maria, knowing full well it would result in yet another fight between them, but because it would be so much easier if he could just tell them what he knew of her. How she worried about each of them when they were on a mission. How she would replay entire failed missions over in her head, trying to figure out how she could have commanded differently. How she memorized the faces of the dead. But she would view that as a betrayal and things were already bad between them, he didn't want to make them impossible.

And Steve had to admit that her actions today confounded him. They'd had, as far as he could tell, the situation with Hydra completely under control. It wasn't that huge as it was, by Avengers standards. Several hundred soldiers holed up outside a small Austrian city. Nothing the Hulk probably couldn't have handled alone, Tony had joked going in. There must be more to the story that they didn't know. He supposed Stark must at least suspect it since he demanded Steve deal with it. Had Stark dealt with it, matters would have been far worse. Steve and Maria might spend most of their time fighting, but he shuddered to think what Stark and Hill head-to-head right now might produce.

His thoughts had carried him all the way to her office and now he stood outside the door, hesitating to knock. He didn't want to see the glare she always had for him nowadays. He knew he'd messed everything up, but she didn't have to remind him with her look every time they saw each other.

A clear voice sounded from inside the office and Steve was surprised. He noticed then that the door was slightly ajar. That was odd and he wondered who had left it open, then he heard what the voice was saying.

"Commander Hill," the man's voice was stern, as if reprimanding her. Steve was not surprised at the response that drew from him. Maria might have ended things outwardly between them, but that hadn't changed Steve's feelings one bit. He still felt extremely protective of her. He had been there for her many times after a dress down, he knew what she would go through later as a result of this.

"Our intel was perfectly good," the man went on, but Maria interjected quickly.

"Your intel was garbage," Maria spat back, and Steve could see her angry face in his mind. It was a terrifying thing to be at the receiving end of Maria Hill's anger, Steve had become an expert in that.

"People are dead, innocent people, because of your lousy intel and your orders," he heard her holler.

Steve sighed in relief. He knew there had to be a logical explanation for her actions.

"Those orders were yours," the voice said with a slight menace.

"I based those orders on your intel," she retorted, and Steve smiled at her determination as she went up against the council.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to sabotage the Avengers."

Steve felt an immediate rush of blood to his head as anger flushed through him. It wouldn't be the first time the council had tried to take down the Avengers. But this would certainly be the most bold.

"Careful, Hill," the voice replied smoothly. "You are beginning to sound insubordinate."

Steve unconsciously held his breath as he waited for Maria's reply.

"If this happens again," he heard her reply, coolly. "You will know what insubordination really looks like, and you will not like it."

"Are you threatening me?" the man asked, and Steve imagined the sly grin on Maria's face as she retorted.

"No threats, Council. I never issue threats."

There was silence and Steve could hear Maria sit down in the chair behind her desk. The "meeting" was obviously over and, on this rare occasion, he was glad for modern technology. The man hadn't needed to be in Maria's office to have a face-to-face conversation so Steve didn't have to worry about anyone storming out of the office now. He took a deep breath and readied himself to go in and speak with her when he heard her phone, obviously on speaker, ringing a number.

"Hello?" another male voice answered, and Steve's stomach twisted. It was Matt, her "boyfriend."

" _Just a rebound thing," Barton had assured Steve. "I'm sure she'll come to her senses_."

But Maria hadn't. And for nearly six months now Steve had watched her become more and more miserable with a man who obviously didn't love her, only wanted her for.

He had to stop himself from thinking exactly what the two of them were doing. Nothing had ever made him so angry as Maria throwing herself at that man all for the sake of some thrill she supposedly got from him. There had been things he didn't like about the modern world, but he had felt sure he'd eventually acclimate. Cheap sex, though, was one thing he couldn't stand.

"Matt," Steve heard Maria's voice quaver slightly. It hit his heart hard. He wanted nothing more than to go to her and comfort her. He knew she was thinking of all the people who had died today as a result of her decision.

"Hey, babe," Matt's voice sounded sleazy and oily to Steve, and he had voiced that opinion around Avengers Tower more than once.

"Hi," Maria's voice had softened and he knew that she was trying to speak through the pain she was feeling. "I was wondering if we could maybe get together tonight?"

"Oh, baby, I would love to get together with you tonight," Steve heard him say and the tone of his voice left no doubt as to what Matt supposed that meant. He forced himself to control his anger and frustration.

"I can't, though," he said. "I got stuff going on. You know how it is."

Stuff? Steve thought. What on earth could be more important than Maria?

"I know," he heard her sigh, and he felt his hands begin to shake. He knew that sigh, had heard it many times when she was trying to control her emotions and not break down. He waited to hear how Matt would react to the sound. Steve had always known how to get her out of that downward spiral. A ride on his motorbike, a walk in the park, here on the Hellicarrier he would take her to his quarters and they'd listen to soft music while he cooked her up something on a small burner he'd had Bruce snag from the lab. She'd finally talk to him about whatever was troubling her, as he held her and stroked her hair. Now his hands began to itch to feel her hair between his fingers again.

"It's just that it's been a while since we saw each other," Maria said, making an excuse for her need. She'd never had to do that with him.

"I know, babe, and I'll make it up to you," Matt paused for emphasis before adding, "Trust me," in what Steve had learned was something called a "bedroom voice." Though Steve was certain if he and Maria ever... He had to stop his thoughts. That was why she'd broken things off with him in the first place. It still hurt whenever he so much as heard the word "married" now.

"OK," she acquiesced, and Steve found himself stunned by the timidity in her voice.

"I gotta go babe, " came Matt's voice again. "See ya round."

And, with that, the conversation ended. No "goodbye." No declaration of devotion. But Steve barely noticed that. His mind was reeling from the tone of Maria's voice. He had never heard her sound like that and it shook him more than anything had. What was going on?

He couldn't go in now. He couldn't let her know he'd heard her and he'd have to. There was no way he could even broach the subject of the day's events with her now and there was no other reason for him to be there. He turned and quickly walked away, the end of her conversation with Matt replaying in his mind like a scratched 78.

When he returned to the Avengers they looked up expectantly. He realized he hadn't done what they'd sent him to do and hadn't much he could tell them.

"It's need to know," he told them, and Stark threw his helmet at him.

They attempted to restart the earlier argument but Steve turned on his heel and walked back to his quarters. They would be back on the base in the morning but Steve wondered if Maria wasn't planning on leaving sooner. It had sounded like it by her request to Matt. Once behind his door, he rang up to the primary flight control to call in a favor and see if Commander Hill was indeed leaving for base. When he found out she was, and the jet she was scheduled for, he packed his bag and headed up top.

Sitting in the back of the quinjet, where he hoped he wouldn't be seen, Steve waited for Maria to board. She arrived just a few moments before they were due to leave, speaking, from the sound of it, to Fury on her phone. Steve supposed she had already filled him in on the details in private but listened in to see if he could learn any more. But there was nothing more than general business being conducted here in such a public place.

He watched as she strapped in, then turned off her phone and shoved it in her jacket pocket. She turned on her iPad and began tapping away as she entered probably more reports. Steve was sure that neither the pilot nor co-pilot saw anything more than Agent Chill conducting business as usual, despite the great losses of the day. But Steve saw. He saw the way her lips quavered occasionally, and the way she subtly worked to control her breathing.

He allowed his mind to drift back what seemed only a few months ago after a similar incident. They were again on the quinjet after a difficult assignment, but Maria was in the back with him. They spoke in hushed voices as Maria poured out her lament to him. He couldn't hold her the way he'd wanted, but he did have her hand in his and she had smiled up at him when she finished speaking, silently thanking him for being there for her again.

He felt a now rare smile come to his lips at the memory. But it was short lived. Suddenly, he felt a pair of eyes on him and he knew Maria had finally noticed his presence.

Steve turned and looked at her, but instead of her usual glare, she turned back to her work. Now she sat up straighter though, and her lips didn't shake. She knew he was watching her and she wouldn't allow herself to show him the slightest weakness.

Then why did she sound so weak when she was talking to Matt? Why would she want to be with a man who made her feel powerless? Was the idea of marrying Steve really so repulsive to her that she would rather have someone who treated her like she was barely worth his time?

When they exited the quinjet, Steve kept his distance from Maria. In an unusual move, she went straight to her car and drove away, instead of going into the offices and working more. Steve got on his bike, but didn't follow her, not right away. He went home and unpacked. He took a shower, dressed in a casual button up shirt and jeans. Then had a bite to eat. All the while keeping an eye on the time. He hated himself for this but he could hazard a guess at what Maria was doing and it would make it that much easier for him to get under her defenses. Still, he felt guilty for letting her get drunk alone after the day she'd had.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve knocked boldly on the door of Maria's apartment and waited. He knew how to get in if he wanted, so there was no way she could keep him out. It took a minute, but she finally came to the door. He could hear her sigh after she looked through the peep hole and saw him.

"Go away, Rogers," she yelled through the door, her words slurring.

"No," he said.

He heard her swear, but she opened the door to him.

"What part of 'I don't want to see you outside work anymore' didn't you understand?" she asked.

"That's an impressive amount of words for someone who's had as much to drink as you have," he replied, looking at the half empty bottle of scotch on her coffee table.

She just waved him off and weaved her way back to the couch, grabbing up the bottle as she plopped back down into the cushions.

She was about to take another long swig when Steve quickly snatched it out of her hands.

She swore a storm at him, but he didn't flinch.

"We need to talk about what happened today," he told her plainly, as he tried to ignore her appearance. She had changed out of her SHIELD uniform and was in loose fitting sweats and a t-shirt. Her hair was falling out of her bun. She would have been beautiful had it not been for the alcohol haze and contempt for him in her eyes.

"Call my office and set up an appointment," she told him.

"No," he said.

"Fine," she said, resignedly. "What do you want to say?"

Steve smiled inwardly. He knew this would be easier, but he didn't realize it would be this easy. Before he could say anything, though, Maria continued.

"Want to tell me what an evil person I am for letting all those people die?"

Steve looked at her in surprise.

"'Cause I did," she said flatly. "I let them all die."

She looked back up at him suddenly with almost a smile on her face, "But it was only 23, not hundreds like the original report."

Steve knew she wasn't trying to make light of the deaths. What she was doing disturbed him even more.

"Maria," he began, and started to sit down next to her.

"Stay away from me, Rogers," she said, and pushed herself off the sofa and away from him.

She walked the short distance to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer. Popping it open and taking a long draught before Steve could respond.

"Stop, Maria," Steve commanded, as he crossed the room and removed the beer bottle from her hand.

"Or, what?" she breathed her booze-laced breath intentionally into his face, and he fought back the nausea it induced.

"See, I make you sick," Maria laughed at him.

"What?" Steve asked. "Why are you talking like this?"

"Look," she told him, pointing back at the coffee table. "Go, look and see what kind of a person I really am."

He turned and saw her iPad and assumed that's what she'd been talking about. He walked over and pushed the small button on the bottom center of the pad. A picture was on the screen, of a young man and young woman. With them were two young children, smiling at the camera, their eyes shining. In the woman's arms was a bundle, obviously a baby. Steve looked back up at Maria and shook his head, not understanding.

"I killed them," she said. "Today, when I had you pull out. I killed them. The. Whole. Damn. Family."

Maria's face was contorted in hatred now, and Steve knew all the hatred was directed at herself. He wanted to walk to her, pull her in his arms, and comfort her like he used to.

Instead he looked back down at the pad and began to scroll through the images she had pulled up of the dead. He knew that by now she had memorized each smiling face, each name, birthdate, even details the press didn't know. They were all in her head now, and tonight, when she closed her eyes, they would all come to visit.

"They were on holiday," she told him.

He looked up at her, confused again.

"The family," she explained. "It was the first holiday they'd had in three years."

He shook his head, not getting where she was going with this.

"Their son, the oldest," she continued her explanation. "He had leukemia."

Steve's breath caught in his throat. He fought for control of his emotions as he watched the strongest woman he knew start to break apart.

"He was cancer free for a year," she went on. "They were on holiday to celebrate."

And with those words, Maria leaned back against the refrigerator and slowly lowered herself to the ground unable to stand with the weight of her guilt on her shoulders.

Steve was next to her in an instant, taking her into his arms as he'd longed to the past months since everything had imploded. She didn't fight him with her body, but her words were meant to do that.

"You would have been married to me," she told him and not kindly. Her voice mocked him and his, according to her, ridiculous romanticism.

"You would have been married to a monster. A callous, cruel, what does Stark call me? Ice queen," she said, but her actions betrayed her needs as she moved closer, then clung to his arms.

Steve was silent, waiting for her to verbalize all her pain, all her self-loathing, and there was a lot. He knew it was probably because it had been nearly six months since she'd actually spoken to him intimately. After the conversation he'd heard between her and Matt today, Steve had no doubt that the fat-head didn't have even a clue as to whom he was dating, or what her needs really were. She must have felt utterly alone.

But that's what she wanted, she'd told him as much in the months after he, again in her opinion, messed everything up by proposing to her.

He'd spent all his free time since then trying to figure out why something so simple as a marriage proposal would have set her off. He'd thought they were in love, and isn't that where love should lead? Sure, she'd never said the words, but Steve was a man of action himself and felt that actions were far better than empty words that, as he looked around him at this supposedly brave new world he had entered, most people threw around like so much rubbish.

"What do you think people would say about Captain America if he was married to someone as horrible as Maria Hill?" her words sliced through Steve's heart like one of Natasha's daggers.

"What would that do to your image?"

"I never cared about that," Steve said quietly.

"You should," she said. "The council is out to get you and this is just the sort of thing they could have used against you."

Steve was taken aback by her words and hesitated a moment.

"I don't care about what the council thinks," Steve said, and he felt his anger begin to rise at the memory of what one council member had done to her two years ago.

He involuntarily tightened his grip on her and was surprised when she clung to him even more. He had been confused these past months, but never more than right now. It was obvious she needed him, wanted him, but even with that she was still trying to push him away.

Finally, he couldn't stand it any longer and he told her the words that he bit back more than once a day since their rather impressive break up.

"I love you, Maria," he said. "And it doesn't matter what has happened in the past. It doesn't matter what will happen in the future. None of that matters. I know you, and I know that you are exactly who I want."

"You know me?" Maria's voice was dripping with sarcasm.

Before she could say anything worse about herself than she already had, Steve cut her off.

"You would never have done what you did today without a very good reason," he said. "I know you must have had more information than we had. What I don't know is why you won't tell us. Why you'd rather have us doubt you than know the truth."

"I can't," she whispered and Steve knew that the council had told her this was need to know, and the Avengers didn't need to know.

"It's OK," he told her. "It doesn't change how I feel about you."

He felt her attempt to shake her head and say more, but he pulled back and put his fingers to her lips to quiet her. At his touch he saw the need flash in her eyes, and he had to choke back his own desire. She wanted things from him he wasn't willing to give without a wedding ring. She claimed that's why she broke it off with him, but now he suspected it was for a far worse reason. How could she think he wouldn't want her? How could she even imagine that he would ever hate her?

"Maria, you are the most beautiful, strong, compassionate woman I've ever known," he told her, and tried to ignore the pain when she looked away from him. "There is nothing you can do to ever make me love you less."

She tried to pull away now and stand, but her legs wouldn't cooperate, presumably from the alcohol, and she slumped back down. He watched as she tried to mask her emotions and his heart ached for her. He touched her face again, and turned her toward him. Hesitantly, he ran his thumb across her lower lip. Then he tuned out the inner thoughts screaming at him not to take the next step as he lowered his lips to meet hers.

He gently rubbed them across hers, hoping for a response. At first he thought the kiss would be entirely one-sided, but then, hesitantly, Maria began to move her mouth against his. He sighed inwardly in relief, but just as suddenly, she began to kiss him more aggressively and before Steve could do anything about it, she had repositioned herself to straddle him. She began to grind against him and he quickly pushed her away.

She laughed cruelly at him.

"What?" she asked, her words biting at him. "Can't stand that the woman you _think_ you love is a whore?"

Steve couldn't hold back the anger that showed on his face. If someone else had said that about her they would have ended up in the infirmary.

"All the men I had before you, since you," she went on, as Steve tried to rein in his emotions again. "Isn't that what you would have called me back in the day? A whore?"

She scowled at him, daring him to contradict her.

"Maria, you're drunk, and exhausted, and lonely," he started.

"I am not lonely," she retorted. "I have Matt."

"Matt?" Steve was more furious now than he imagined possible. Just the thought of that man made him want to put a fist through several walls.

"Where is Matt?" he spat at her. "He's not here, I am. I bet he's never here for you. I was always there when you needed me."

Steve wasn't sure exactly when, or what the words were, but he could tell by Maria's cold eyes that he'd crossed some invisible line.

"Get. Out." she ordered.

"No," he said, hoping his earlier tactic would recover the situation.

"Now." she commanded again, and she stood unsteadily and pointed at the door.

Steve sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. Shaking his head, he slowly stood, then walked to the door.

Turning to her before he opened it he told her softly, "None of this was your fault. Not today. Not what happened in the past. And what happened tonight does not change my feelings for you."

He would have considered it a reward to see the pain and need flash briefly through her eyes before he turned and left, but knowing he was leaving her alone squelched any sort of joy over the minor victory.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve was surprised when the elevator stopped at the main living level in Avengers Tower. He was about to remind JARVIS that he had asked to be taken to his apartment when the doors of the lift opened to reveal a glowering Tony Stark sitting in the side chair across the room. Steve steeled himself for the coming confrontation, and stepped into the room.

"You got back quick, Capscicle," Tony said quietly, but the words were laced with anger and frustration.

"I took a quinjet," Steve replied, waiting for Tony to get to his point.

"Wouldn't happen to be the one your girlfriend was on, would it?" Tony coldly remarked, but Steve refused the bait this time.

"So, you two kiss and make up?" Tony went on, trying to get some sort of reaction, Steve supposed.

"No," Steve said. "You'll be happy to know she still hates me as much as ever. Maybe even a little more."

He grimaced inwardly at the thought of going into SHIELD in the morning and facing her after what had just happened.

"Tough luck, Gramps," he said. "Maybe you should try a woman your own age."

Steve sighed.

"Look, Stark, did you want to actually talk about something or did you just want to insult me?"

Tony looked like he had to think about that.

"Insulting is fun," he commented. "But, yeah, I want to know what the hell happened out there today."

"I can't tell you," Steve said.

"Can't? Or won't?"

"Look, if Ma-," Steve caught himself. "If Commander Hill wanted us to know what really happened, she would have told us."

"What 'really' happened," Tony repeated. He had caught Steve's slip and Steve knew there would be no end to it until Tony had the truth.

"So there is something we don't know," Tony stood and walked over to the bar to refill his scotch.

"Spill it, Cap," he said, turning to Steve.

"I told you, I can't," Steve sighed, the exasperation apparent in his voice.

He did want to tell Stark what had happened, what he'd heard, but he feared what the man might do with the information. He trusted Tony now, knew he was basically a good man, but he was still a loose cannon in situations like this.

"Why?" he asked. "If she can tell you, why can't the rest of the Avengers know?"

Steve sat heavily on the sofa now and put his head in his hands.

"She didn't tell me," he groaned out.

There was a brief silence as Tony tried to decipher Steve's words.

"Um, so how did you find out?" he finally asked.

Steve leaned back and slowly let out a long breath.

"By accident," he told him.

Tony looked at him for a moment before his face brightened like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Oh. My. Gosh." Tony walked quickly back to his chair and Steve thought he looked not unlike some teenage girl about to hear the latest school gossip.

"You were eavesdropping!" Tony exclaimed with triumph.

"It was an accident," Steve emphasized.

"Yeah, right, how long did this accident take?"

Steve grimaced, he was never going to live this down.

"I don't know, about 5 minutes or so," he mumbled.

Tony let out a whoop and Steve stood to leave.

"Get back here," Tony commanded him. "You owe it to your teammates to tell us what's going on."

Steve thought again of the conversation he'd heard Maria have with the council. Then he thought about the one with Matt. He turned and looked pointedly at Stark.

"OK," he agreed. "But you have to do me a favor."

"Whatever you want, Spangles," Tony complied, and Steve returned to his seat as he rolled his eyes at the billionaire.

He told Tony all he had heard of the conversation with the council, and the man mulled it over for several minutes.

"Oh, and Maria said something odd to me tonight," he confessed to Stark, and waited for an insult.

But Tony just sat and waited. Maybe he was going to be serious about this after all.

"She said that the council had it in for me, specifically."

Tony nodded and added this to his information. Then he shook his head.

"Politics," he finally spat. "Probably some idiot wants Fury gone and it would be easier if they had some ammo, like the Avengers Initiative going down in flames."

A thought suddenly occurred to Steve.

"Not Fury," he said. "Maria."

Tony looked up at him questioningly.

"Think about our worst missions over the past six months, or so," Steve told him as pieces of a puzzle he didn't even realize he'd been trying to solve began to fall into place.

It only took Tony a moment to connect the dots.

"Maria was always leading base support," he said, awareness dawning in his voice.

"They were all her missions," Steve finished, and he felt a cold fear begin to rise inside him, akin to the fear he'd had when he realized Maria had been taken after an attack in North Carolina nearly two years ago.

"But why would they want her out?" Steve wondered aloud.

"She already told you," Tony said, but Steve only gave him a confused look.

"They have it in for you," he explained.

Steve only shook his head.

"Then why go after Maria?" he asked.

"Think about it, Cap," Tony continued his explanation. "What would you do if Maria was sacked, or worse, court-martialed?"

Steve stared at him in open surprise.

"It's not so far-fetched, really," Tony said. "A few more ops like today, a background of near failed ops over several months, and either is a real possibility."

"Fury would never let that happen," Steve said.

"He doesn't always have a say in these matters, no matter how powerful he likes to think he is.

"So?" Tony returned to his earlier question. "What would you do?"

Steve didn't have to think.

"I'd leave SHIELD," he stated.

Tony only nodded.

"What are we going to do?" Steve wondered aloud.

Tony immediately spoke to the air.

"JARVIS."

"Yes, sir."

"Pull me all the data, open and classified, on any op Deputy Director Maria Hill has been a part of over the past year."

"Immediately, sir."

Tony sat with a contemplative look on his face after that and Steve felt himself do the same. He doubted they were both contemplating the same thing, though. Steve wanted to go directly to Maria and try to talk to her again. He felt an overwhelming need to protect her. Though he knew she was strong, she needed someone by her side. Why couldn't she see that? They were good together. They could have had something amazing.

"Don't go there, Steve," Tony's voice broke into Steve's thoughts and he turned to look at Stark, wondering how the man had known what he was thinking.

"You need to keep it together right now," he continued. "You can fall apart and grovel again once we figure this all out."

Steve grimaced at Tony knowing that was as close to consolation as he was going to get from the man.

Sighing again, he stood to finally return to his apartment, and get some sleep. Even super soldiers get tired and he was way past due for some rest.

"What was the favor you needed?" Tony said before he could move a step.

He felt a dark look fall over his face.

"I'm not going to kill her new boyfriend," Tony said. "Though I could be persuaded to do some damage to his car."

"I want to know everything you can find out about Matt Tanner," Steve said, and he could hear the vitriol in his own voice.

Tony shook his head.

"She won't take kindly to you trying to find something wrong with him, trust me," Tony advised.

He turned and stared hard at Tony, "She already knows there's something wrong with him."

Tony stared back, surprised.

"Then why is she with him?"

Steve shook his head in defeat.

"Your guess is as good as mine," he conceded. "All I know is he has her..."

Steve couldn't continue his thought without becoming irrationally angry and taking it out on something. Taking a deep breath he stalked over to the elevator, but when he entered he asked to be taken to the gym level, not his apartment. He was too angry now to sleep.

* * *

The steady rhythm of his fists against the bag should have soothed him. The forceful pounding against the leather and sand should have relieved the stress that had wound itself around his heart. But the action brought back memories of nights on the Hellicarrier, when Maria would know where to find him if she couldn't sleep, or had another nightmare. He would spot her as she worked out whatever was bothering her. If he saw that wasn't working, he'd take her some place where they could be alone and he'd hold her as she poured out her troubles to him.

It had been a heady feeling, to have gained her trust. Steve might not know a lot about women, or people in general, but he knew Maria Hill did not just give her trust to anyone. It was a hard earned privilege. Had he known he could lose it so easily, he'd have been far more careful.

At that thought, he poured all the pain into his punch and the bag flew across the room as the reinforced chain snapped under the pressure of his attack.

Steve stared at the bag for a moment, breathing heavily. Then he walked over and picked up another bag. He sighed as he hooked it and began another round.

They had moved along in their relationship slowly. He'd never been involved with anyone before and felt himself flat-footed most of the time. She didn't seem to mind at all. She would laugh at Tony when he would bug her about dating "Captain Virgin." And when it annoyed Steve she would just assure him that Tony could never understand what they had.

As time went on, though, Steve had wanted more. There were times he just thought about Maria and he understood fully that they couldn't go on like this forever. But it was more than the thought of consummating their relationship that had driven him down to Tiffany's that December morning. He wanted everything. He knew they could never have the picket fence and the nice suburban life. The world needed them. Their lives wouldn't be ideal, but he'd spend his life showing her how much he loved her. More than that, he wanted to show the world that he loved Maria above anyone else.

He had noticed a lot of things over their time together. He noticed the way her face would break into the slightest smile when he walked into the room, even at SHIELD. He noticed the way he felt when he heard her strong, sure voice at the other end of the comm while he battled in the field. He noticed the way her eyes swept over him each time he returned from a mission, not in lust, but checking every detail to make sure he was alright. He noticed the way he felt later, when they were alone and just held each other because they had missed the other. He noticed their comfortable silence and their relaxed conversations. He noticed the way her hand fit so perfectly in his as they strolled through the park, the way her arms fit perfectly around him as he drove her down the road on his bike. How he had missed her fear of something as simple as marriage, he didn't know.

_The look on her face as he slowly knelt before her and pulled out the ring had taken a moment to register. He thought she was just surprised at first. They had never discussed marriage, he reasoned, so of course she mightn't have expected this. But when he uttered the words it had taken him nearly a month to work up the courage to say, "Maria Hill, I love you. Would you do me the honor of marrying me?" the abject fear that came into her eyes startled him. He had seen almost every look Maria had, he had watched her stare down enemies with a gun pointed to her face, he had held her after her nightmares, but he had never seen a fear of this level._

_She shook her head and backed away from him, then she stood and quickly walked away, leaving him standing alone in the park wondering what had just happened._

_He tried talking to her after that. He'd asked her if she just needed more time to think about it but she had told him, adamantly, "No." She had no intentions of marrying anyone, least of all him. He shouldn't have reacted the way he did after that. Their words became heated and he left angrily. After that she refused to return his calls or even open her door to him._

The strain her rejection put on their working relationship was by far the most difficult thing, because it affected everyone around them. And it annoyed him to no end that Maria, who had been so private about their romantic relationship at work, had no problem making a scene by arguing, in public, over the most minuscule events in a mission or a briefing.

But the worst moment had been when he'd learned about Matt. That entire event had been so strange that Steve still couldn't figure it out.

_She had taken a personal call in front of himself and Bruce when they were supposed to be discussing the parameters of an upcoming mission. She had insisted it was important and walked to the other side of the room to answer. Steve and Bruce continued to go over the aerial surveillance until Maria's conversation began to register in Steve's mind. Maria had never been a flirt, but it was obvious she was flirting with someone on the phone. He looked up at her and noticed her entire stance had changed. He had never seen her act like that and wondered just what was going on._

_When the words, "Last night was a-ma-zing," rolled off her tongue, just loud enough for him to hear, the anger hit him harder than anything had since she had ended their relationship. As the tension mounted, Bruce had to excuse himself. Apparently "the other guy" was becoming un-nerved. Steve couldn't blame him. Maria finished her conversation, then walked back to him as if nothing had happened._

_"What was that?" he asked._

_She cocked an eyebrow at him._

_"That, was none of your business," she told him, her voice impertinent._

_"None of my business?" his voice rose sharply._

_"We're not dating anymore, so who I'm sleeping with is none of your business," she retorted._

_Steve had never experienced such an intense rush of anger; mixed with an overwhelming jealous rage, it was all he could do to contain his desire to explode._

_The way she had looked at him, the dare she issued in her eyes, for him to go ahead and act on his rage, had only made his anger increase. He had stormed out of the office and out of SHIELD. He flew down the highway on his bike with no destination in mind. He just needed to get away. He was so disgusted with himself for his fury at the woman he claimed he loved. Angry at her for provoking it. Confused as to why she would sell herself so cheaply._

_Tony found him in Illinois two days later, standing on the shore of Lake Michigan. He didn't even notice his presence at first. It took a few days but Tony finally convinced him to return to New York, and to work. After that he stayed as far away from Maria as he could._

Now, the relationship between her and Matt made even less sense, yet enraged him far more than ever. Steve loved Maria's strength, her courage, her tenacity. He couldn't stand her sounding so weak, so powerless, so...

Suddenly, the bag exploded and sent sand across the room.

Steve stared at the mess as he attempted to steady his breath and get control of his emotions. The now empty bag hung in tatters, still swinging. The floor was littered with sand that had scattered to points all across the room. It reminded him of his relationship with Maria, destroyed with one act and impossible to put back together.

Shortly, a machine of Tony's invention came out of its hiding place and began to vacuum the debris. Steve watched it as it moved about the room. When it was finished it returned to its spot behind the wall and the room was again silent.

Steve's body was still pulsing with anger, but in his heart he felt the coldness he had first known when Maria rejected his proposal. It had grown over the past months, but today it felt as if it had doubled in size. For the first time in years, he wished SHIELD had left him frozen in the ice.


	4. Chapter 4

The next day Steve did something he hadn't done in months, not since Maria had thrown in his face that she was sleeping with another man, he didn't avoid her. He had dreaded seeing her all night. He'd thought of all the day's possible scenarios, and showing up in her space every hour wasn't one of them. But when he arrived at the SHIELD base in the morning, he had caught a glimpse of her and something in her eyes convinced him that avoiding her was not a good idea today.

She looked pensive and nervous, and Maria was never either of those. He wondered if she had come to the same conclusion he and Tony had the night before. He didn't want to think what it could mean if it had something to do with Matt.

He'd had Tony fill the others in at breakfast on what Steve had overheard between Maria and the Council, and the information he'd been able to sift through so far. Of their past five ops with Maria, four had proved far more than what their intel had led them to believe and resulted in far more damage and casualties than any of them felt there should have been. It had been sobering to say the least and had resulted in more contemplation than conversation. Clint and Natasha said they'd do their own checking to see if they could get any names; otherwise, the group felt that, for the time being, it was best just to be on high alert.

Before Steve left for base, Tony handed him a thin file on Matt Tanner. Steve shook his head when he saw there was nothing out of the ordinary in it.

He grimaced and muttered that it didn't make any sense. Tony asked a pointed question and Steve was almost sorry he'd asked for his help.

"What exactly makes you suspect he's done something wrong?"

Steve stared at him for a moment, not wanting to betray Maria's secret. But he couldn't stand the thought of anyone making her less than what he knew she was and Tony had proven useful in the past, so he gave him the cursory version.

"When I heard them talking," Steve fought off an irrational fear come over him as he thought of that conversation.

"She was so," he paused to gather his courage and looked pointedly at Tony to gauge his immediate reaction. "Weak."

He saw the flash of surprise across Tony's face, then it was gone and a concerned one replaced it.

Tony pursed his lips as if he was considering the wisdom of the words he was about to say, then he looked back up at Steve.

"Do you think she's being abused?"

Steve felt a surge of anger rush through him and Tony tried to assuage it.

"I'm not saying she is," he said. "I'm only saying it's a possibility, considering the way she sounded to you. I've never known Maria Hill to be weak. It's just a, well, possibility. I'll look into it."

And Steve knew that meant he was going to keep an eye on Matt, which only brought him small comfort.

Before he could consider, he said aloud, "Why would she stay with someone who," the words strangled when his throat contracted at the thought of what Tony was inferring.

"I don't know," Tony said. "Was she abused as a child?"

Steve felt his blood run cold as he thought about the few things Maria had told him about her mother early on in their relationship.

"It's possible," he conceded.

Tony raised an eyebrow.

"She never told you?" he asked.

"She told me her mother drank a lot and took her anger out on her," he said, as he let out a breath. "But I never pressed her for more because it hurt her so much to think about it."

He wondered now if he should have. Maybe if he'd made her talk to him about it, they wouldn't be in this mess they were in now. Isn't that what people said these days, that you should talk about your problems? Maybe that was why she turned away from him. She might believe that because he didn't let her talk about it, it was a part of her that he didn't want to know.

"Steve, you have to stop this," Tony interrupted his thoughts. "That rabbit trail doesn't lead anywhere useful."

He looked back at Tony, surprised again at the man's insight. Then he shook the thoughts from his head, and left for the base.

And there, at least once an hour, he showed up in Maria's line of vision.

Her day was not going well, he could tell. She'd had a long meeting with Fury, an even longer one with Fury and the council, and then there were the whispers and stares as she walked through the SHIELD halls. Those, Steve could do something about. Any time he was in the proximity of someone saying something negative about her, he made sure to at least give them a pointed look until they realized he wasn't going to tolerate gossip about the deputy director.

One agent was bold enough to ask him why he was defending Maria after what she'd done to him.

Steve gave the man a confused look and said, "Why should that effect whether I think she's a good commander, or not?"

"Dude, she totally screwed you over," he retorted. "Pun intended."

When Steve realized exactly what the man was saying, the look on his face was apparently terrifying enough that the agent suddenly became nervous and found he had somewhere else he needed to be.

But as often as he could, Steve placed himself in Maria's sight. He didn't say anything, sometimes he didn't even look at her directly. He just felt he needed to remind her he was there for her and he wasn't going anywhere.

When he arrived back at the Avengers Tower that evening, JARVIS informed him that Mr. Stark would like to meet with him, and Steve was deposited in Stark's private apartment. Meeting there wasn't completely unheard of, but given the situations they were monitoring, it set Steve on edge.

"Sit," was all Tony said to him when he stepped out of the lift.

Steve swallowed down his growing dread and sat next to Tony on his sofa.

Stark pointed to a thick file on the coffee table and Steve took a deep breath before picking it up. On the tab he read "Maria Hill."

As Steve held the inch-thick file with trembling hands, Tony stood and walked over to the bar. He returned with two glasses of scotch, setting one down in front of Steve, who looked up and raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Trust me, you'll need it," Tony said grimly.

Before he could think twice about what he was doing and how he was invading Maria's privacy, Steve opened the file and plunged into the reading. He was only a few pages in when he slammed the file down on the table and stood to pace the living room.

Finally, he stopped and looked at Tony.

"I thought they took care of kids like that nowadays? I thought the state stepped in and," he paused and stared out the window as his confusion and anger warred with his natural common decency.

He turned back to look at Tony.

"Why did they keep giving her back to that woman?"

Tony shrugged and said, "Most child protective agencies operate with the belief that parents can be reformed, and that the child is always better off with his or her parents."

"But three times," Steve raised his voice in frustration. "Three times in just the few pages I've read."

Images of a small Maria broken and bruised were playing through his head. He recalled what he had done to rescue her from the hands of her torturers nearly two years ago, and he was glad Maria's mother was already dead, he wasn't sure he could restrain himself.

"You didn't even have to see the pictures," Tony said, and Steve looked sharply at him.

He noted the man's haggard face and bloodshot, red rimmed eyes, which he'd thought were only from the alcohol he'd been consuming.

"I didn't include them," he said, raising his glass to his lips again and staring at a point on the far wall.

Steve stared at Tony a few moments before returning to the sofa. They sat, both lost in their thoughts, for quite some time. Steve stared at the file on the table. He couldn't read it any more. He hadn't imagined how bad it was. Now that he thought about it, he had assumed that most of the problems had been when Maria was older, maybe 16 or 17, and somehow his mind could handle that, though it had still been difficult to accept. According to the information Tony had gathered, Maria had been taken from her mother the first time when she was barely two. A suspicious broken arm had been the cause. But she had been returned to the woman less than a week later.

Finally, Steve leaned forward, but grabbed the scotch instead of the file. He downed it in record time. Tony didn't even acknowledge when Steve went back to the bar to get a refill and downed that one as well.

He stood, hands pressed on top of the bar and stared at his empty glass. His mind was a chaotic mess as he attempted to process the information. He'd tried to get inside Maria's head so many times over the past six months. Now he understood why nothing he came up with made any sense. They were from two different worlds in more ways than one. He thought he'd heard Pepper explaining something like this once, that sometimes people are using the same words but the meanings each person has for them are completely different. To Steve, marriage was a logical step in a loving relationship. He wanted with Maria what he'd seen his parents have, he wanted to share a lifetime of love with her. To Maria, marriage and family were a terrifying prospect. The only family she'd ever known were her mother, who abused her, and her father, who abandoned her.

He still couldn't quite grasp how Matt fit into the equation, and as soon as he thought of the man, his anger flared again.

Turning to Tony he said ominously, "If Matt is hurting her..."

Tony waved him off, "Way ahead of you, Cap."

Steve looked at him questioningly.

"I'm running a far more thorough background check than the first," Stark told him as he stood and walked over to pour himself another drink. "I've got people interviewing everyone who ever crossed paths with him. If there is anything dirty about this guy, we'll find out."

Though not completely reassuring to Steve, it was better than the nothing he'd had this morning.

"What do we do when we find out?" he asked the obvious question.

"Well, I'm all for taking him out," Tony said, then shrugged when Steve shook his head at him. "Hey, some people just use up more air than they're worth."

"We can't kill him," Steve informed his friend.

"Not directly, anyway," Tony said.

Steve furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what Tony meant.

"As a man accustomed to the finer things in life, I can assure you I can think of worse things than death," Tony told him.

"So, you plan to ruin him financially?"

"Depends on just how bad a person he is," Tony replied.

Steve was not entirely comfortable with the conversation, though he had to admit, ruining Matt financially was probably the lesser of the evils when one took into consideration what Steve wanted to do to the man if he found out he had so much as pushed one of Maria's hairs out of place.

"I still don't understand why she would go to him," Steve told Tony. "I get why the marriage proposal completely messed everything up. But why go to this guy? Why get involved with someone like him? Before she and I were dating, she hadn't dated regularly in years. Why not just go back to being alone?"

Tony sighed and shook his head.

"My best guess?" he looked up at the super soldier. "She wanted someone to remind her why she couldn't have it all with you."

Tony's explanation made no sense at all to Steve and it showed on his face.

"When people grow up with that kind of abuse, they go one way or the other," Tony went on. "Maria was on her way down the wrong path, straight toward what she grew up with, before Coulson pulled her out."

Steve nodded. He remembered Maria's story of how Coulson had given her a chance in SHIELD and now her success in the organization made more sense to Steve. She was driven to do well to overcome her past.

"It's probably why she was closest to Coulson, of all the people she knows at SHIELD," Tony said.

Steve nodded in agreement and mumbled, "That must be why, when she thought he was dead, it hit her so hard."

"Right. Then, enter you," Tony pointed at Steve.

Steve looked up at Tony in surprise.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, here is this very lonely, solitary woman, who loses one of the only people she has ever cared for, and in that time of loss, enter this ridiculously handsome, pathetically buff, super soldier."

Steve rolled his eyes. Tony had to get a jibe in somewhere.

"You were everything she never had with anyone," Tony explained. "Kind, attentive, generous, etc, ad nauseum. Naturally, she fell for you."

"So you're saying I'm some sort of rebound and she got over me?" Steve asked, still not understanding where Tony was leading with his explanation.

"No," Tony said. "I'm saying, you're the first good thing she ever had and it scared the hell out of her."

Steve made sure to still look confused so Tony would explain more.

Tony shook his head, as if it should be obvious to anyone what he was saying.

"While I personally can't understand why anyone would stay in as sexless a relationship as yours, it worked for her," he said.

"So she broke up with me because marrying me would mean," Steve started but Tony interrupted.

"Apparently I'm not doing a very good job explaining this," he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

After a few moments he opened them again and looked as if he felt he'd landed on the words he needed.

"You told her you loved her," Tony said, and Steve nodded.

"You infer by that, that you will always be there for her, and never leave her, no matter what," Tony continued, and Steve nodded again.

"Then you threaten her comfort level by proposing to her," Tony said, this time Steve grimaced in acknowledgement.

"So she runs because she realizes you weren't kidding."

Steve looked at him again in confusion.

"Oh, hell," Tony said. "She wanted you to run after her. Prove to her that you were serious."

"I was serious," Steve said. "I  _am_  serious."

Tony just shook his head.

"That's not what she saw," he told him. "She saw that she was very easily able to scare you off."

Steve opened his mouth to protest, but closed it as the truth of what Tony said sank in.

"Look, some women, when they say 'go away' really mean 'go away.' Trust me on that," Tony explained. "But I think Maria meant 'I'm scared and I need to know if you are serious about what you say you want.'"

"But why?" Steve asked.

"Sheltered child," Tony said, rolling his eyes. "When kids are abused, they often either become an abuser themselves, or they become a victim again. Even though she is a very strong woman, inside, at least as far as relationships go, she only knows how to be the victim. You gave her something different, but when you wanted to take things deeper, she didn't know how to handle it, and she ran."

"She thinks she's not worth more," Steve said, finally catching on to Tony's convoluted explanation.

"Yes! Finally!" Tony shouted and pounded his hand on the bar, then he shook his head. "I'll leave this sort of conversation to Pepper in the future."

"And when I turned away from her after she broke it off with me, I proved her right," Steve added.

"Twisted, I'm afraid," Tony said. "But very true."

"So all I have to do is prove myself to her," Steve said, brightening for the first time in months.

Tony chuckled sarcastically.

"Yep, that's  _all_  you have to do," he said, and raised his glass in mock cheer.


	5. Chapter 5

In the morning Steve called Maria's assistant before he left for the SHIELD base and set up an appointment. He knew if he showed up at her office on what looked like official business she would at least give him a few moments before she tuned him out and sent him away.

He had spent most of the night rehearsing what he was going to tell her. It reminded him of the weeks leading up to his proposal, but this time when he spoke he felt he'd better understand any reaction she had.

At 0900 he walked up to her office door, took several deep breaths, prayed, and knocked.

When he heard her call for him to enter, he beat back his nerves reminding himself what was at stake.

Maria was sitting at her desk, looking at papers and making occasional marks with her pen. She only glanced up briefly when he walked in.

"What can I do for you, Captain?" she asked, formally.

"I came to apologize," he told her, in an equally formal voice.

She stopped what she was doing and looked up at him, assessing him quickly, she leaned back in her chair. Steve knew she was expecting him to apologize for the other night. He took her silence as permission to go on, and he did.

"Nearly two years ago, I told you that I was in love with you," he said, and he watched as she fought the fear that was trying to creep into her eyes, but he held her gaze and pushed on hoping to get everything out before she stopped him.

"I recall that I said I'd prove it to you and fight for you."

Maria's eyes began to narrow and Steve knew he had only moments before she threw him out.

"I didn't do that like I should have, like I promised, and I am very sorry," he was almost caught off guard when her face slowly changed, softening in surprise to his words.

"In the future I will not allow myself to fail to do this," he said. "I will prove to you that you are worth everything to me, and I will fight for you.

"I hope that one day you will be able to forgive me," he finished, and was rewarded with Maria's stunned silence.

He watched the emotions flash quickly through her eyes. Someone who didn't know her as well as he would have missed so many. Fear, hope, disbelief, before she finally settled for impassive indifference.

"Is that all?" she asked, coolly.

"Yes, ma'am," he replied.

She swallowed carefully, a sign Steve knew that showed she was holding back what she wanted to say. Then she nodded formally at him and returned to her paperwork, silently dismissing him.

Hoping that leaving, instead of groveling was the right decision, he turned and walked out the door, closing it silently behind him. Across the hall, Maria's assistant was staring at him, a hopeful question in her eyes. Steve only shrugged and tilted his head as if to say, 'We'll see,' before he headed away from the office.

* * *

Ten minutes later, his phone rang. It was Stark.

"So?" he asked. "Did it work?"

"I don't know," Steve replied.

"OK, next you need to find the biggest stuffed animal on the planet and..."

A beeping on Steve's phone interrupted Stark's advice about the stuffed animal.

"Hold on Stark, there's a text," Steve said, assuming even a notification from the phone's billing department had to be more important.

He laughed when he read it and returned to Tony's call.

"It's from your wife," Steve said.

"What?!" Stark sounded astonished. Then Steve heard him talking in the background to someone.

"You texted Grandpa Capscicle while I'm talking to him? Have you no self-respect, woman?"

Steve laughed at the banter between the couple, then wistfully recalled when it was similar for him and Maria. He was surprised that instead of the sadness such thoughts normally led to, this time he enjoyed the memory.

"Listen to me, my man," Tony was back on the line again. "Don't listen to Pepper. She doesn't know anything about what women want."

Steve heard Pepper join him in laughing and Tony grumble something about mutiny and needing a bigger dog house and then he let out a yelp of mock pain as Pepper presumably smacked him playfully with something.

"You sure you want to go through with this?" Tony asked. "Women are more of a pain sometimes..."

More whining from Tony and then Pepper came on the line.

"Seriously Steve, don't send her anything like that right now. She'll only think you are trying to buy her affections," Pepper advised.

"I agree," Steve said, then he heard a groan from Tony and realized they were on speaker.

A thought occurred to Steve.

"Tony, you told Pepper?"

"Obviously."

"Everything?"

"Hell, no, what kind of an ass do you think I am?"

"I think I'll plead the fifth on that, Tony. But, I told you not to say anything to anyone."

"I didn't say anything to anyone, I told my wife," he said, and that was followed by some indistinct mumbling.

Then Pepper exclaimed, "Tony, you didn't."

"Oh, my, um, Steve," Pepper said, plaintively. "Tony told the other Avengers."

"Hey!" Tony exclaimed. "We're a team and we should do things as a team."

Steve shook his head. He should have known.

"That's OK, Pepper," he said. "We'll just leave him out of the next shawarma run."

Then he cut off Tony's exclamation with a touch of the screen on his phone.

He leaned back against the wall and smiled. Nothing Tony could even do would ruin this day for him. He hadn't felt this good since he'd picked out the engagement ring for Maria.

* * *

The next morning found the five earthbound Avengers sitting at a conference table with Fury and Hill discussing the Austrian government's request to return to do some PR.

Tony was playing it mean, but with a purpose in mind, so Steve was trying his best not to become actually riled with the man. But he wasn't making it easy.

"Well, if we have to go back, I think we should take along the person with whom the fault lies," Tony sniped.

Most of the eyes in the room turned to Maria, and out of the corner of his eye, Steve watched as she returned the stares with her stony gaze.

"Stark," Steve said. "It was a judgment call, you can't fault Maria for that."

Now everyone's eyes were on Steve, who suddenly noticed his slip.

"Um, I mean, Commander Hill," he said, sheepishly.

"Judgment call my metal butt," Tony said. "We had everything under control until Miss High-and-Mighty had her say."

Steve glared at Tony hoping to remind him not to take the charade too far.

"I think we should hear all the facts first before we go pointing fingers," Steve said.

"OK," Tony said, and turned to Maria. "Agent Chill, what are all the facts."

Steve watched her carefully. It was a fine line he was letting Tony tread and he wasn't entirely sure it was worth it.

"I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to discuss it," she said, her voice cold and level, never betraying how difficult it was becoming for her to deal with this particular failure.

Before Steve could intervene, Fury spoke up.

"I talked with Hill about this matter and in my mind it is clear she was not at fault, she acted on the information she had at hand."

Tony looked like he wanted to say more but Steve cast him a look that said he'd pushed enough of Maria's buttons for one day and he subsided.

"However," Fury added. "I do think it might be a good idea for Deputy Director Hill to travel with you and keep things organized, run liaison with the local government.

"And," he paused for emphasis and glared with his one eye at Stark and then Rogers. "Keep you two from turning back into a couple of babies."

Maria started to object herself but Fury raised a hand to stop her.

"I have made my decision," he informed her, then to the others he said, "Wheels up at 0100."

As the group rose to leave, Steve surreptitiously watched Maria out of the corner of his eye. He hoped Stark's usual grievances hadn't pushed too hard. While he didn't mind an excuse to defend her, he didn't want to cause her undo harm. On the other hand, Stark had been right when he reasoned with him that if he didn't say anything, Fury & Hill would both become suspicious.

Maria finally stood and made her way around the table and out the door, Steve's eyes on her the entire time. He saw Fury get up to leave and stood to follow him out, when Fury shut the door and asked Steve to sit back down.

"What kind of game are you and Stark playing?" he asked pointedly.

"Game, sir?"

"Don't give me that innocent look, Rogers. You're a lousy liar."

Fury glared at him a moment, then relaxed and sat down in the chair across the table from Steve.

"Captain," he began. "I arranged this so-called PR mission for a reason."

Steve nodded and waited for him to go on, but Fury seemed to be working out the best way to tell him his thoughts.

"Maria thinks that the council is after you," he said, and stared hard at Steve.

He nodded again.

"Yes, sir," he acknowledged. "She told me."

Fury arched a brow in question.

"Well, to be honest, she wasn't really herself when she told me," Steve continued.

Fury just shook his head and grimaced.

"You're good for her," he said, and Steve's eyes shot wide in surprise.

Fury chuckled and nearly smiled.

"Never took me for an old romantic, did you?"

Steve shook his head.

"I'm not," he said. "Maria is an excellent SHIELD asset. I have no idea how I'd run things without her anymore.

"But when you two were together, she was astounding," Fury informed him.

"I know you still have feelings for her," Fury went on. "I'm sending her with you so she can supposedly keep an eye on you. I'm going to tell her that there is indeed a threat on you, but this is far more precarious than whatever you and Stark were doing during the meeting. This could result in serious flashbacks from the last time I set her on guard duty on you."

Steve nodded slowly as he worked to suppress his anger and dread at the memories from two years ago. He'd saved Maria from the hands of her captors, but only after they had spent a full week torturing her. The nightmares she had while he was with her in the hospital were intense, and later, after she returned home, it took him a few weeks to finally get her to call him any time she had one. Remembering that now, he realized that the first time she called him was when he knew he was gaining her trust.

"I really haven't a good idea what the council is playing this time," Fury was continuing. "But it's a game with far too many casualties and we need to put an end to it. I will work my end, but I need you to stick close to Maria.

"I've been looking over the missions from the past several months and it seems there is a pattern," he said.

Steve nodded.

"We've noted that ourselves," he told Fury, but the man didn't show any surprise at this information.

"Good," he commented. "Then we are on the same page."

He paused again, then looked at Steve pointedly.

"I'm going to go talk with her, it should only take about 30 minutes, then I want you to go and, um, I don't know, arrange logistics and what-not with Maria," he ordered, but with a shrug of his shoulders.

"What-not?" Steve chuckled.

"Make something up," Fury told him, and glared. "If my suspicions are correct, I need her back to full power, so to speak, or things are only going to get worse."

"Yes, sir," Steve said, and stood and walked out of the conference room.

He wandered toward the SHIELD cafeteria to kill some time before he went and spoke with Maria but was intercepted by Clint who guided him to an empty office. Shutting the door behind them, the archer turned to Steve.

"I need you to keep it together when we get to Austria," he said, in his usual abrupt manner.

"I don't see what you're getting at," Steve replied.

"You tend to allow yourself to get too wrapped up in what's happening to Maria and you need to maintain your focus," he said.

"I'm sure that won't be a problem," Steve said, wondering why Clint felt the need for this discussion.

"Yes, it will," the smaller man said. "It always is."

Steve opened his mouth to argue but Clint cut him off.

"Look," he said, sharply. "I get it. You come apart at the seams if anything happens to her, big or small. I do the same with Nat."

Steve looked at him in surprise.

"Inside," he informed him. "I had to learn how to control all the feelings I have for her or else I will get her, myself, someone else killed.

"Normally, you do a pretty good job, but normally, she's not out in the field with us."

Steve nodded his head in agreement as he realized that when Maria was on the ground with them a lot of his mind was preoccupied with her well-being.

"You've got to compartmentalize it," Barton advised. "Especially now with things so tense between the two of you. Mission first, love second."

Barton wasn't a man to use the word 'love' so it caught Steve by surprise.

"You're in love with Romanoff?" he asked.

Barton sighed and nodded.

"Is she in love with you?"

"What Nat and I have is, well, complicated," he answered, but didn't seem to desire to share more.

"Did you ever mess things up this badly with her?" Steve wanted to know.

"Well, she round-house kicked me the first time I tried to kiss her," Barton laughed, and subconsciously rubbed his chin where her boot had made contact.

"But I never asked her to marry me," he said, and it was obvious to Steve that he sounded sorry about that.

"Since that kick, I've mostly let Nat do her thing and if she needs me, I let her have me."

That confession surprised Steve even more.

"Doesn't sound very healthy," he said.

"Oh, look at you, Mr. Modern Pop-Psychologist," Clint laughed, then shook his head.

"It's rarely sexual," he let him know. "In fact, we haven't been together since..."

Barton drifted off and shook his head. After a moment he continued, but his voice was barely a whisper.

"But, man do I love her," he said in such a way that made Steve suspect that if they ever lost the Widow, the Hawk would soon follow.

Steve left his impromptu meeting with Hawkeye and walked to Maria's office. Fury was still there but he waved him in as he finished his conversation with Maria.

"Don't disappoint me, Hill," Fury said.

"I won't, sir," she replied.

With that Fury nodded to both of them and left.

"What was that about?" he asked her.

She looked at him and Steve thought he saw a brief flash of fear before she covered it with her usual professionalism.

"Director Fury is under the impression that you need someone to keep an eye on you," she informed him.

"You told him your suspicions?" he questioned, hoping he sounded like this was news to him.

Maria nodded and Steve was somewhat relieved that she could remember their conversation from the other night despite how inebriated she'd been.

"So, who's my nanny?" he asked, and was surprised when Maria winced.

"Despite the list of able bodied candidates," Maria said. "Director Fury believes it is best if I am your..." Maria swallowed the rest of the words and Steve wondered why.

Pushing past his curiosity, Steve told her, "I know that you probably aren't comfortable with this, but I also know that you are the consummate professional and I don't doubt that Fury has chosen correctly."

She smiled slightly at him and looked like she'd say more but her phone rang. She glanced at it quickly.

"I have to take this," she said and she waved him toward the door as she turned away.

Steve stood to leave but stopped when he heard her say, "Hi, Matt."

Fighting back the rage he felt toward the man, Steve listened to Maria's end of the conversation.

"I'm leaving on the red-eye and I really need to pack and get things prepped," she said, and paused as he spoke.

"OK, I guess," she said, and Steve combated his desire to rip the phone from her hands and tell Matt where to go.

"Yeah, I can meet you," she nodded. "You're place at 10 is good."

Steve looked at the back of Maria's head and knew he had a confused look on his face. Why was she doing this? Matt couldn't possibly be giving her anything, then he remembered Tony's words about how Maria was with Matt to remind her why she couldn't be with Steve.

She hung up and turned to glare at him, though the spite that had once been in the same look had lessened, in Steve's opinion.

"If he cared for you, he wouldn't ask you to come tonight," he stated.

"We haven't seen each other for a while," she told him, averting her eyes to her computer screen.

"He could have found an earlier time," Steve refused her excuse. "2200? Before a red-eye?"

"I can sleep on the flight," she said, and Steve thought she was fighting a blush from her embarrassment.

He wondered if Matt hadn't given her that reason.

"You never sleep on flights," Steve reminded her.

"He doesn't know that," Maria said and Steve was dumbfounded for a moment.

"I knew that when we'd barely known each other one month," he reminded her.

She finally turned to him, an exasperated look on her face.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I told you. I intend to fight for you," he said seriously and he tried to convey his feelings in his stare as well as his words.

She opened her mouth slightly, but made no reply.

Steve held her gaze meaningfully until she broke eye contact. Then he turned and left her office, leaving her to all the arrangements. He wasn't going to be able to accomplish any work with her right now. Maria might be a professional, and Barton was right, he needed to compartmentalize, but right then, Steve couldn't get past the thought that he couldn't let Maria see Matt tonight. How he was going to accomplish that escaped him at the moment.


	6. Chapter 6

0330 found Steve again in the back of the quinjet, this time watching Maria "sleep" on the medical bed. Clint and Natasha were at the controls with Bruce seated right behind them, ostensibly to be as far away from the situation as the small confines of the jet would allow when Maria awoke and discovered what Steve had done. Tony sat across from Steve and Maria, eating from a bag of popcorn he'd brought, as he waited to enjoy the show.

It had been the collective opinion, when Steve deposited an unconscious Maria on the sofa in the Avengers Tower main living area, that she was going to kill him when she woke up. Though Tony did add, "Good job." The latter action was when Steve first began to doubt the wisdom of his decision, a doubt ingrained when Pepper walked into the situation and declared that this was something Tony would do. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, was his only excuse. That was declared to be something Tony would say.

* * *

All afternoon Steve had tried to figure out how to keep Maria from seeing Matt that night. The idea of him touching Maria had always induced borderline rage in Steve, but now that he suspected the man of myriad cruelties toward her, it was nearly impossible for him to contain.

He watched from an upstairs window as she left the SHIELD base at 2000 and gave her 30 minutes before he followed her home. He tried to maintain control over his jealousy so he could be calm. He still had no idea how he was going to stop her.

Knocking on her door for the second time in less than seven days, Steve's stomach twisted. He found himself wanting nothing more than to throw her over his shoulder and carry her away from the situation. The irony that Captain America would do that wouldn't be lost on him later.

Maria opened the door and immediately asked him what he wanted.

It took him a moment to answer as he was too surprised by her dress, or lack of any. She had teased her hair and the make-up on her face must have been five times thicker than usual. Just those two changes alone would have made Steve doubt it was Maria. But the black skin-tight leotard, black leather mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and three inch heeled black leather knee high boots forced him to ask in a strangled voice, "Maria?"

She rolled her eyes and asked again what he wanted to which he finally replied, "I want to know why you think that this," he waved his hand at her to indicate her outfit, "is all you are worth?"

She glared at him, but it wasn't quite as intense as it had been even a few days ago, then she turned and stalked into the apartment. She didn't slam the door in his face so Steve followed, hopefully, after her.

"Maria, why are you dressed like this?" Steve asked, though he knew the answer.

Maria huffed, "I'm going on a date."

"You never had to dress like that for me," he told her.

"Yeah, well, this isn't that kind of date," Maria reminded him, but he thought he heard her voice quiver slightly.

He found himself standing outside her bedroom door with his back to the room as he always had done. Maria thought it was ridiculously old fashioned but Steve knew it was safer.

"You know what I think you look most beautiful in?" he asked and he heard her pause her digging through her jewelry box.

She didn't reply but she didn't throw him out either so he continued.

"Remember on Saturday mornings? I would bring over pastries from that bakery down on the corner, and the Sunday paper, and you'd have the coffee ready. We'd sit on the couch, and eat and drink, and read the paper to each other? You'd be in some over-sized t-shirt that had Army or Georgetown printed on it, and your sweat pants, bare feet, no make-up," Steve's voice trailed off as he recalled all those mornings.

She'd open the door for him and her face was smiling, her eyes had a shine in them Steve had always imagined was just for him. He would lean down and give her a quick kiss and when he pulled away she would look at him almost shyly.

Back in the present, Steve closed his eyes and clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to stave off the sense of loss.

Shortly, he felt Maria next to him.

"Don't do this," she said as she squeezed past him in the narrow hallway and walked back into the main living area. Heading into the kitchenette, she poured herself a glass of water and kept her back to him.

He stared at her for several moments before he walked up right behind her. Placing shaky hands on her shoulders, he began to gently rub them.

"You are worth so much more than this," he whispered, and he had to steady himself when he felt her shudder.

"Steve, don't" she whispered back.

He ignored her words and listened to the tone of her voice. Lowering his face he pressed his lips to the base of her neck, she leaned back into him and whimpered. She had never whimpered for him before and it broke his heart in so many ways to think that she might not even remember how good a gentle, loving touch could be, and that maybe he was the only one who had ever touched her in love.

He ran his thumb up the back of her neck to the base of her skull, the way he knew she liked, and he felt her convulse, as if she was about to cry, but he continued his ministrations to her head with his hand and her neck with his lips. Slowly he slid his other hand down her arm then wrapped it around her waist, encouraging her to relax into the strength of his embrace.

Romancing her like this had been a rare thing when they were together because Steve was sure there was not enough cold water in the world for the shower he needed afterwards. But he was done with words, they'd gotten him nowhere in the past months. He was a man of action and he intended to show her by his actions exactly how deeply he loved her.

Maria relaxed into him, her head leaning back on his shoulder, then glided her hand slowly up his arm, to his shoulder, his neck, and finally her fingers slipped into his hair. Steve forced himself to be slow and deliberate though his body was starting to burn. He had almost decided to turn her around so he could place his lips on hers when the phone startled them out of the closest to heaven on earth Steve was sure he'd ever been.

They both groaned and looked at the offending device on the counter next to them. Suddenly Steve found a cure far more effective for his fire than a thousand Arctic Oceans. It was Matt on the other end.

Steve felt Maria stiffen in his arms, then her struggle as she tried to mentally pull herself away from him.

Feeling her hesitate Steve pressed his lips to her ear and held her tightly with both arms.

"Don't answer it," he said.

"I," Maria started.

"No, please," Steve interrupted whatever reason she was going to give for needing to answer the phone.

"Steve, I can't," Maria started and there was a fear in her voice that suddenly set Steve off. He was not going to let her go to Matt or even talk to him for that matter. Without considering any sort of consequence, as if on impulse, he reached up to her neck and pressed down behind the collar bone. She collapsed into his arms.

He leaned her back onto one arm then put his other arm under her knees and lifted her. He needed to get her out of the apartment in case Matt came looking for her. Looking at her, though, he knew he couldn't carry her down onto the street in her current state of dress. He took her into her bedroom and laid her out on her bed. He considered simply wrapping her in a blanket, but then he realized that with as little clothing as she was wearing he could easily slip something over them.

Walking over to her closet, Steve swung open the door and stared at her clothing. He picked out a red blouse he'd always loved and a long black skirt. He shut the closet door and returned to the bed. Removing her boots, he pulled the skirt up over her hips and then lifted her to put on the blouse over the leotard. He tried not to think about how intimate an act this was as he hooked each button. He decided that since he had no choice but to take her to Avengers Tower, he should clean off her face. She'd never hear the end of it from Tony if he saw her made up like this. He walked into the bathroom and looked for her make-up removal wipes. He knew she had them because she had actually had him pick her up some a few months before she broke it off with him. Even Bruce had teased him about that.

At last, he found them in a box under the sink. He walked back to the bed and proceeded to carefully wipe her face clean. When he was done he smiled. She definitely looked incredible without a touch of make-up at all.

He threw the wipes into the trash then tried to decide exactly how he was going to get her to Avengers Tower. It would be impossible, even for him, to carry her on his motorcycle. He decided he'd borrow her car and glanced out the bedroom door to see if they were hanging on the hook next to the apartment door. He saw them and turned around to grab up Maria.

It was then he remembered where he was: In her bedroom. He'd never actually stepped foot in this room before and that fact made him pause to look around. It was as neat and orderly as the rest of the apartment. Not very much in the way of decorations or knick-knacks, only a bed, a nightstand, and a dresser for furniture. He turned to look at the wall behind him, the wall she could see from her bed, and felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him. Hanging on the wall, in a beautiful gold leaf frame, was a sketch he'd made of her when they were first getting to know each other, as she lay sleeping next to him on a blanket in Central Park.

He reached out to reverently touch the picture, then turned around slowly and looked at the woman on the bed.

"Maria," he said. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

He heard the phone ring again and knew he was running short on time. Buoyed by this new revelation, he walked into the kitchen and answered the cell.

"Who is this?" demanded Matt.

"Who  _is this_?" Steve repeated mockingly.

"This is Captain Freaking America," he told Matt, suddenly feeling compelled to use the normally annoying nickname both Tony and Clint often used for him.

"Look, buddy," Matt spat into the phone. "I don't know who you are but if you don't put Maria on the line this instant I'm gonna call the police."

"Oh, that's funny," Steve told him. "I've been thinking about calling the police on you."

"What?!" Matt hollered into the phone.

"Yeah," Steve went on. "I don't really appreciate the way you treat the woman I love."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Matt said.

"That's OK," Steve said. "I've got friends in high places and we'll make sure we find out exactly what you've been up to."

Matt was silent at the other end of the line.

"Scared?" Steve asked.

"You're not Captain America," Matt said, but Steve thought he sounded nervous. "How would Maria know Captain America? She's just a nobody."

It was Steve's turn to be silent at one end of the conversation as he choked back the words he wanted to say, words that would definitely make Matt doubt he was Captain America.

"You will  _ **never**_  say that about Maria  _ **again**_ ," Steve said, keeping his voice steady but menacing. "She is more than you will ever know. More than you deserve to know."

With that, he ended the conversation and slipped the phone into his pocket. If Matt did indeed call the police he had only a few minutes to get Maria out without making it an incident for the newspapers to plaster all over Page 1.

He quickly walked back into the bedroom where he scooped Maria up in his arms. He walked to the apartment door, lifted the keys off the hook, then slowly opened her door and stepped out into the hallway, just as Maria's neighbor across the hall opened hers.

"Oh, Steve," the neighbor smiled, then frowned as she realized he was carrying Maria.

"What happened?" she asked, concern evident in her voice.

"Um," he said, now facing the fact he would have to lie to get out without incident. "I'm not really sure. I'm going to take her to the ER."

"Oh, dear," the woman exclaimed, and she shut and locked her apartment door behind her. "Let me get the elevator for you."

She walked to the end of the hallway, pressed the button for the lift, then ran back and took the keys from Steve to lock up Maria's apartment. As the three of them went down the short way on the elevator the woman talked with Steve.

"Does this have anything to do with that new boyfriend of hers?" she asked.

Steve felt himself pale.

The woman nodded.

"Doesn't surprise me," she said. "Bad news that one. I just don't understand why things ended between the two of you. You were so good for her."

Steve looked at her for a moment before the elevator doors opened to the lobby and she walked toward the door to the street. He followed after her and walked out onto the sidewalk. Maria's car was only about half a block down. Steve finally asked her what she meant by her last comment.

"Well, I know people in New York are very private and not very neighborly," she said. "But Maria was downright cold before you came along. Never even acknowledged another person. People said it was because she thought she was better than the rest of us, but as alone as she was all the time, I knew it had to be because she had some horrible experience in the past and didn't trust folks."

They were at the car now, and the neighbor opened the door for him to lay Maria on the back seat.

"I sure hope she's OK," the woman commented as she handed Steve the keys.

He got into the car and as he drove away he wondered how on earth a neighbor who had rarely spoken to Maria had an insight that had never occurred to him even after more than a year with her.

* * *

Now he sat in the quinjet, the hum of the motors vibrating through his body doing nothing to lessen his nerves. What would she say when she awoke? What was he going to say? How could he explain what he viewed as a violation?

He rested his head in his hands and groaned.

"You're over thinking this," Tony told him through a mouth full of popcorn.

Steve turned and glared.

"Seriously," Tony said. "She'll eventually see that you did the right thing."

"Eventually?" Steve mimicked sarcastically, then he stood to pace the small area.

Bruce had assured them that Maria was OK, but the longer she slept, the more concerned Steve became. Bruce hadn't been able to explain why she had remained unconscious this long but Steve wondered if he hadn't caused some permanent damage.

Great, he thought. Hurting the woman you love to supposedly protect her from her abusive boyfriend. What kind of jerk does that make you?

Steve returned to his seat when it became apparent his pacing was annoying everyone in the jet. Finally, after 0400, Maria began to stir. She slowly opened her eyes and when she saw Steve, she smiled. He relaxed. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. Then he realized she was probably disoriented and had no idea where she was.

"Hi," she said, and held out her hand to him like she used to when she'd wake and find him watching her.

A lump began to form in Steve's throat as he reached out and took her hand in his.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I messed up," he said.

"I find that hard to believe," she said with a soft smile.

It wasn't the first time she'd said that but it was the first time it held as deep a meaning to him. He'd always thought she said it to be reassuring, but now he realized it because she thought more of him than she should, that he was somehow above her.

"I'm not perfect, Maria," he said. "I don't always do the right things, and make the right decisions."

She looked up at him for a few more moments before she furrowed her brow and slowly began to look around.

"Where are we?" she asked, just before a piece of popcorn plinked her nose.

"Stark!" Steve barked at Tony who just laughed.

"I was getting tired of watching you two eye-f..." Both Steve and Bruce cut him off before he could get out the expletive.

By then, Maria had pulled herself up and was sitting on the edge of the cot, her head in her hands.

"Do you need some Tylenol, or something?" Steve asked, dread stealing over him now that Maria was fully aware of where they were and had probably noticed she couldn't remember getting here herself.

Maria nodded her head, and Steve went to the medical pack, glad to have something to busy himself with. Returning with the Tylenol and a cup of water he knelt in front of her and placed them in her hands.

After taking the pills, she drank down the rest of the water. Steve took the cup from her hands.

"How did I get here?" she asked as she looked at him.

Steve found himself unable to look her in the eye. He moved back to the seat he had occupied earlier.

"Steve," Maria said, and leaned across the aisle to place a hand on his knee.

Before he could say anything, Tony blurted out.

"Captain America knocked you over the head with a club, then dragged you out of your apartment by your hair."

All eyes were immediately on Tony who only shrugged and said, "Well, that's the abridged version."

Maria turned back to him.

"Steve?"

"I'm sorry," Steve told her, quietly. "I messed up so badly."

He paused and tried to calm his fears. In less than two days after he'd promised he'd prove his love for her, he'd knocked her out and essentially kidnapped her. This was certainly not what he'd had in mind when he'd made that promise.

Finally, he looked back at her and told her, "I used the pressure point on your neck to knock you out, then I took you to the Tower."

She looked at him, a question on her face.

"I didn't want you going out with Matt last night," he concluded.

She allowed him to see a flash of surprise, before her face became unreadable.

"Hawkeye," she said, turning away from him. "How far out are we?"

"ETA 1300 Central European Time, or about 3 and a half hours," Clint replied.

"I'm going to get cleaned up," she said, and stood and walked to the lavatory.

Steve watched her go and his heart sank.

"Well, I for one, found that incredibly disappointing," Tony snapped him out of his downward spiral and Steve turned to look at his observer.

"All that tension and build up and then, poof, like nothing even happened. Where's the drama? She could have at least tried to slap you."

Steve just shook his head at the billionaire. Tony couldn't understand. What Maria had just done was far worse than a slap to Steve. The way she had shut herself off from him had hurt more than any of the angry looks she'd been giving him the past few months.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I did a little bit of research on how to knock out a person for this chapter. I learned a lot of interesting things, including the fact that you probably can't knock someone out the way I described here. But it was far less violent than the videos I watched on YouTube. I also learned that it's not just getting knocked out by a blow to one's head that kills brain cells. Any sort of "knock out" will do that. So, for story purposes, it is a nice tool, but I don't think I'll be trying any of the methods that actually work any time soon.


	7. Chapter 7

Their arrival in Vienna was nothing new or noteworthy. The usual happened. Steve and Tony took center stage while the rest of the Avengers attempted to fade into the background. Any podium time was just the two of them, and Thor, when he was involved. Bruce couldn't take the crowds, and governments and publicists alike were always happy to help shunt him away from any location where they feared he might "hulk-out." Clint and Natasha were experts at disappearing into a crowd, or even thin air from what Steve had observed the past two years. Maria hated attention, especially in a situation she felt as contrived as what they were trying to accomplish in Austria.

Though he was entirely uncomfortable with the spotlight, Steve agreed with Tony and Thor that it was safer as well for the three of them to be static in one place than the others. So long as Tony had his Ironman suit on, the three of them were virtually indestructible, a lesson learned not long after the battle in New York, when an extremist group had blown up a stage where Steve was appearing to buoy the clean up efforts. Bruce and Clint had actually been on the stage moments earlier. While Bruce did turn into the hulk, Steve and Clint were able to keep his damage to a minimum. No one argued who went up front after that.

When Tony was done detailing how the Avengers and Stark Industries planned to help the community, the mayor stood up and thanked him for the check. Then it was Steve's turn to get up and give a hoorah speech. He'd always hated these, even before he'd spent nearly a century frozen under the ice. But for the year or so that he and Maria had been together, he'd had her to commiserate with. Somehow that made the task seem less pathetic. He would call her afterward, no matter where in the world they were, and they'd crack jokes about it, as she would always watch it, even if it was in the middle of the night where she was.

There would be no jokes today, he wouldn't even be able to draw a scowl from her, it seemed. Maria hadn't spoken to him since he'd told her what he'd done and why, she hadn't even looked at him or acknowledged him. For the previous six months they had been fighting about anything and everything. He used to think he'd do anything to end that. Now he'd do almost anything to at least have that back.

He tried to pull on his Captain America persona as Tony slapped his back before Steve went up to speak to the crowd, one that sounded mostly hostile to his ears.

As he spoke, his eyes scanned the crowd, pretending to make eye contact, yet seeing nothing. It was a technique Maria helped him perfect. She said that it was easier not to trip up on your words if you didn't really see the people you were speaking to. He was nearly to the end of the speech when he saw her. She had placed herself in the center of the crowd, and, as always, blended right in. Her hair was down, brushing her shoulders, and her street clothes made her look like just another community member. No one would have noticed her. Though it had been years since she'd been in the field regularly, Maria knew how to make herself invisible. But Steve always managed to find her, and today was no different. Except that when he did find her, his voice caught in his throat. He swallowed the lump and went on with the prepared speech he'd memorized. But the damage was done. It wasn't just that he'd seen Maria, it was that when he looked into her eyes there was a sadness so deep he had fallen into it. When he glanced back, though, she was gone.

* * *

There really wasn't any place for the Avengers to stay in the vicinity that was safe enough except an army barracks, so the six of them were assigned to a few buildings when they weren't helping with the reparations. It was only supposed to be for a few days. Fury had told Steve he hoped that with Maria staying with the Avengers they could see if the council tried anything. By now, though, Steve no longer cared what was going on with the council and all their petty politics. Right now, all he cared about was that he was in Maria's temporary quarters, looking right at her, and she was completely ignoring him.

"Where did you go after the speech?" he asked. "We couldn't find you and I was worried."

She simply continued unpacking her small bag as if he wasn't even there.

"I saw you in the crowd while I was giving my speech," Steve thought she hesitated a moment when he said that. "But when I looked again, you were gone."

He waited a few minutes. She'd have to eventually speak to him if for no other reason than to ask him to leave when she dressed for bed.

But to Steve's incredible surprise, she didn't even do that. She simply walked to the drawer where she'd placed her clothes earlier, pulled out a nightshirt and pants, then began to undress right in front of him.

When she pulled her shirt over her head, Steve saw the scars that riddled her back. He gasped before he could stop himself, and Maria stiffened. Then she continued undressing.

He turned away from the sight of her body and tried very hard to put thoughts of what he'd seen out of his mind, the scars, as well the soft curves he had until now refused to allow himself to even imagine.

He hoped she might quip at him about his old-fashioned sensibilities, or even mock him for never having seen a woman naked before, but she did no such thing. She finished dressing, walked to the sink and brushed her teeth and washed her face, then she walked over to the light switch, flipped off the lights, and got into her bed, leaving Steve in the dark.

Standing there, Steve felt foolish. What was he supposed to do now? He had no idea if he should go, or if he should stay and force the issue. In his confusion he recalled another woman who had also had his head spinning once.

England, during the war, Peggy had just caught him being kissed by another woman. The anger on her face had hurt, as had her remark that he was just like all the other men. He'd tried to explain the situation to her but it only seemed to make things worse, then he'd gone and accused her of sleeping with Howard Stark. She'd told him then that he didn't know a bloody thing about women. Steve shook his head and thought that if anyone were to say those words to him today, they'd still be true.

He listened as Maria took even breaths, though it was obvious she was still awake. Where was the map, the plan of action, the orders to follow, when it came to this relationship? If anything was made clear to him over the past several months it was that he didn't know how to make a relationship work. He might be the strongest human being alive, but he was useless in this. How was he supposed to convince Maria that he loved her when he had made so many mistakes so far? Maybe he was just better off alone.

Steve would have walked out right then, left the whole thing behind him if not for the thought of that last word.

Alone. Maria's neighbor had said that for years Maria had been alone. He thought about the file Tony had compiled on her, the official state records documenting her abuse at the hands of her mother. Maria, alone with the one person in the world who was supposed to protect her and love her, but instead broke her. He recalled Maria's self-accusation the other night about all the men she'd had before him. Had any of them loved her? Had they only used her and left her alone, again? He doubted anyone else but he and Stark, maybe Coulson and Fury, knew about her childhood. If she hadn't told him in the past two years, he doubted she would have mentioned it to anyone else. Or, maybe, she had. Maybe she had trusted someone once and told him, but it was more than he could handle and he turned and walked away from her. Steve was surprised at the level of anger he could conjure against an imaginary person.

He looked at the door. His morals, and obviously Maria's wishes, dictated that he walk out now, maybe try again in the morning. But wasn't that what he'd been doing? Trying again in the morning wasn't working. He had to show her, now, exactly how he felt.

Steve's hands shook as he unbuttoned his shirt. He walked over and laid it on the dresser. Then he lifted his feet alternately to untie his shoes and slip them off. He set each one quietly on the floor. Swallowing down his nerves, he walked over to the bed. He laid down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened but he pulled her back to his chest before he began to speak softly to her. He prayed that this time what he said and did would finally convince her.

"Maria, I need you to know that nothing you ever do, nothing I ever do, will change how I feel for you. No mistake either of us makes will make me love you less. And nothing you can do or say can stop me from loving you.

"I don't know anything about relationships. I don't know the right things to say when I mess up. I don't know how to explain myself. I just know that I love you, and I want to spend the rest of our lives showing you that love. I want you to know that there is nothing I value more than you. I just don't think I've done a very good job.

"I should have tried to be more understanding about your fear of marriage, instead of being so selfish in my pain. I shouldn't have left you then. I should have let you have more time to see that I am not going to leave you, that I would never intentionally hurt you."

By now, he could feel Maria's body shaking against his and feel her tears on his arm. He turned her to face him in the bed; she fisted his t-shirt and pressed her face into his chest. When she finally spoke, it made his heart ache even more.

"You don't understand, Steve. I've done horrible things. I'm a horrible person."

He kissed the top of her head.

"I once killed a man simply because he told me he'd killed you," Steve countered. "I lost complete control. It was the most terrifying moment, and not because of what I did, but because I thought..."

Steve's words stuck in his throat. There were nights, even now, two years later, when he awoke in a cold sweat with a scream in his throat at the memory of that moment.

Calming himself, he went on.

"Tell me what horrible things you've done for such a selfish reason," he challenged.

Maria was quiet. Steve knew she'd have nothing to say. She followed the rules. She did what she was supposed to. On the rare occasion she went against orders, it was never for a selfish reason, always for the better good, whether that good was SHIELD or another person didn't matter to Steve. He had watched her for more than a year, all other needs were before her own. She was probably the most self-less person he'd ever met.

"I've been with other men," she said, trying to put some defiance in her voice, but Steve heard the pain behind it. "Lots of other men."

He cleared his throat and fought back the surge of selfish jealousy that rushed through him.

"I don't really care about any other man you've ever been with. Not one of them could possibly love you as much as I do because if they had, they'd still be here," Steve suddenly shuddered at that thought. If someone had been bright enough to see Maria for all she was before he did, he would be the one alone.

He pulled her more tightly against him and whispered, "Now that is a terrifying thought."

They were each silent for several more minutes. Steve waited for her next reason they couldn't be together. It was obvious to him that she'd spent a bit of time thinking these things through, but so far he'd been able to dispel each fear with his assurances. But there was still one major hurdle, one thing he knew she must fear above all else.

"I have," Maria started, but then she paused.

Steve waited for her to muster the courage to say what he suspected she would.

"Scars," she said, her voice barely audible.

Steve felt an unusual urge to turn on the lights and undress her so he could see all the scars, not just the ones on her back. He wanted to prove to her that they didn't matter to him; that he truly could love her despite all these supposed obstacles she kept throwing between them. But he stifled the desire, knowing there was a good chance he couldn't leave it at that once he saw her. Just the brief view he'd had moments ago had affected him so deeply that he wasn't sure he would ever be able to be around her again if he couldn't get her to come back to him.

"I saw," he reminded her. "It doesn't matter to me."

He paused for a moment as he fought the anger that suddenly threatened to overtake every thought.

"Well, that's not exactly true," he admitted. "It does matter to me. And when I find out who did those things to you."

He couldn't say more. He could hear the cold threat in his own voice. He knew exactly what he would do when he found each person who had hurt her. Barton was right in more ways than one. Maria made him lose all sense of himself. He had never felt so protective of anyone, never had more of a need to, well, avenge someone for pain they suffered. That wasn't enough to convince her, he knew. But he also knew there was more.

"All my life I was looking for someone to fight alongside me. A woman who would see the need to put themselves on the line for what was right, not wait around for someone else to do it for them," Steve sighed as he thought of all the girls who passed him by, looking for someone to rescue them. "I didn't even realize it though, until I met Peggy. But that was over before it began, and when I woke here I thought I'd never find someone like that again.

"When I met you, I saw something. I didn't want to admit it then. I was too afraid I'd found something in this new world I might like and I'd have to stop feeling sorry for myself," he smiled and kissed her forehead.

"You know, I didn't just ask you out to learn about Coulson," he confessed.

He felt her body stiffen in surprise, and thought he might have hit on something.

"Is that what you've been thinking?" he asked, then waited for a response.

After a few minutes he felt her nod her head.

Steve fought his own pain and confusion at this admission. He thought that after their initial few months together, that telling her he loved her, showing her every day how he felt, she would have seen that his feelings for her were real. And inwardly he cursed every person who had ever added to her insecurity.

"I did want to know about Coulson," he went on. "That wasn't a lie. I just didn't think you'd go out with me if I simply asked you."

"What?" Maria asked, surprise evident in her voice.

"Oh, don't act shocked," he laughed slightly. "I know how you felt about super-heroes, and famous people in general. I didn't stand a chance."

He paused, and let that information sink in for a few minutes.

Finally he continued.

"You know, I told Jasper later that I'd thought you and he were an item at first," Steve chuckled at the memory of the look on Jasper's face. "He told me that he didn't really know the last time you'd even gone on a date. And I thought that men of this time were really no different than back then. But I was glad the rest of the men were too pitiful to want someone as strong as you."

"I'm not strong," she interrupted. "I'm afraid."

"I'm afraid, too," he said quietly and began to stroke her hair. "Afraid of a lot of things.

"I'm afraid I will be alone, because I know I will never find another woman like you. I'm afraid that people will hurt you, and not just because of your position at SHIELD. I'm afraid that Matt might be."

Steve stopped himself again. The thought of what Matt might be doing to her caused him to shake with anger.

"If he's hurt you, I," Steve couldn't go on, couldn't say aloud what he'd do to Matt, to anyone, who laid a hand on her.

"It's not that," she told him, though her voice was quiet.

"He's just," she paused for a moment before going on. "He's just not nice."

Then, so quiet Steve almost didn't hear, "He's not you."

Neither spoke for nearly an hour after that. Steve held Maria and stroked her hair as she slowly and finally relaxed into his embrace. Internally he sighed, hoping he'd finally broke through the walls she kept trying to erect.

"Are you going to stay the night?" Maria asked, finally breaking the silence.

Steve hesitated for a moment, not sure how to respond.

"Cause, if you are, you'll probably be more comfortable under the blanket," she said, and he heard a smile in her voice.

They shifted around the small cot and covered themselves up. He could barely make her face out in the darkness, but he lowered his lips to hers briefly.

"I still can't," he started to say as he pulled away.

"Shhh," she put her hand to his lips. "That's OK. I kind of like this the way it is right now."

Then she settled into his embrace and he listened as her breathing evened out and she slowly fell to sleep in his arms.

Steve had had many good things happen to him in his life. He'd had a loving upbringing with family who cared deeply for him. He'd had friends who were always there for him. He'd had opportunities to fight for what he believed was right. But he'd never been happier, more fulfilled, than he was at this moment, with this woman in his arms.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well,there you have it. Hope you liked it. I know it leaves a lot of questions that I actually didn't think about when I wrote it. But a lot of people have commented and I feel that deserves attention. I've written a few one-shots for filler to explain some things. They will be published separately.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bad Seeds](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1707512) by [ChElFi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi)
  * [Bad Seeds](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1707512) by [ChElFi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi)
  * [The Finest Thing I've Ever Done](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2490554) by [ChElFi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChElFi/pseuds/ChElFi)




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